Is Your Picker Broken?

How to Stop Dating the Wrong People

We all have war stories from the dating scene, whether we\’re in it now or we\’ve been in it in the past. Dating the \”wrong\” people is just part of the game. It happens to the best of us. But what if you find yourself consistently ending up in relationships that don\’t serve you, with people that just aren\’t right?

It\’s more common than you think: one third of married people believe they married the wrong person.

Sometimes, we realize we\’re with the wrong person after we make a commitment. Other times, we know we\’re with the wrong person and we still choose to move forward.

In a study of divorced women, 30% report knowing they were marrying the wrong person on their wedding day.

Why do we stay in relationships we know aren\’t it?

• You\’ve been together for a long time and don\’t want all of your time to be wasted
• You don\’t want to be alone
• You believe that your partner will change after you get married, have kids, move, etc.
• You\’re afraid of hurting your partner

Is it them or is it me?

So you think your picker might be broken… But before we move to solutions, it can be helpful to know what your relationship tendencies are.

Many of us fit into one of two categories: either we continue to pick people that don\’t treat us well, or we pick people that are potentially \”right\” for us but we end up sabotaging the relationship in some way.

Where it gets difficult is that a lot of us think we\’re in the first category, when really we fall into the second.

What influences the way we choose our partners?

• The way we define love. The happy chemicals associated with \”falling in love\” do wear off eventually. Are you associating this euphoric feeling with love itself? What does \”love\” mean to you? If you believe that love means being provided for, you may unknowingly seek out partnerships that feel imbalanced.
• Our parents and/or the adult relationships we saw as children. It\’s easy to blame our parents for everything. (Sorry, Mom and Dad). But there is truth to the idea that our ideas of love and relationships formed at a very young age. Did you witness healthy, romantic partnerships? If not, your \”truth\” about love may need some fine tuning…
• Trauma and difficult life experiences. Loss of a loved one, abuse, health incidents, and any other life experience that causes stress can have an impact on how we approach love and dating. Whenever we go through a trauma, our brain is changed — this includes our outlook on ourselves, other people, and the world in general.
• Gender conditioning. The idea that men should provide for their families creates all kinds of challenges in the pursuit of a healthy relationship. Men may find themselves with women who take advantage of them, while women may seek out partnerships that don\’t fulfill them emotionally.

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Being in a relationship with the wrong person is no fun. But until we start confronting the deeper truths we tell ourselves, we may find dating difficult. Disclaimer: You do not have to be 100% healed in order to find the \”right person\” — healing is a lifelong journey, and you don\’t just \”arrive\” one day.